I recently celebrated my 21st birthday and someone asked me, “What’d you learn this year?” I wasn’t sure what to say at the time so I just laughed it off and said, “A lot.” After 48 hours of mulling it over, I’ve come to the conclusion - the older you get, the more you realize that life is a game of politics. You have to please people, say and do the right things, and can only truly get away with anything only because you can. It isn’t enough that you try your best or do what you can. Every day that passes, I feel like I’m sinking in a sea of judgement. I’m exhausted. I’m a far ways from being on my own and I cannot wait to get out of here. This and everything with it, is a chapter that’s been going on too long. Every part of my life slowly has been morphing into a political situation. I am so tired of pretending to think this, to say that. Maybe I’m just tired. Three weeks into school and I already am burnt out. *sigh* Why can’t I have a birthday that I like. doesn’t make me hate the world. They say, do what you love and surround yourself with people you love and love you back. Why is that so hard for me right now.

smokkahontas:

RELEVANT

my head’s in the clouds,
distracted,
i swear, one week.

ba-dum-tissssss.

Yesterday, I had the chance to have a one-on-one talk with this girl that I really don’t know while driving her to her boyfriend’s work. She’s from my clinical group and needed a ride. She talked about her sickness (of which she’s most likely going to die of in 5-8 years), how she doesn’t give a fuck about it, how she’s living for herself. This is her second degree, she’s in her mid-twenties, happy as fuck, no plans to get married until after school. She shared about how she almost married some dumb boy she met back in her first year and how young she was. She talked about how this kid was her life, was with him because it felt like the next step in her life and all that shit. She told me, “Rach, I haven’t known you for long, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, so DO NOT fucking settle unless you’re always happy all the time.” In that point of the conversation, I don’t know if she was talking about jobs, education or boys, but it struck me hard. This woman, life certainly ending in a few years, alive with life was telling me, that I was younger than ever with my whole life ahead of me, with choices, dreams, and adventure. This girl was out there getting her education, living the cottage life on weekends, and drinking every night. She’s a nerd but can fucking party (I know this because I know the crowd she keeps at school).

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life, it’s mediocre, it’s me, but I want something that is me and amazing too. I don’t know what I want. I just hope I don’t settle.

why is it that now that i don’t have school (and exams), i don’t have that yearning for tumblr or facebook or twitter. i don’t really feel like going on my laptop at all =|